The wilderness is full of creepy unnatural beasties waiting to rip you apart limb from limb. Over time we at Bionic Tumbleweed will offer visual aids paired with easy to follow step by step instructions to fully transform even the lowliest novice into a Davy Crockett like frontiersman/ God.
In this post you will learn what to do when faced with a wild bear.
1. Formal Introductions
It’s a common misconception that bears are boorish and unmannered. This could not be further from the truth! Remember, you are a guest in his woods. Formality goes a long way with our ursine cousins.
2. Assume an Agressive Posture *
Make it clear to the bear that you will not be intimidated. Make yourself as large and fearsome as possible.
3. Establish Dominance
A sharp right hook to the jawline should do the trick nicely. It is essential to act quickly when executing this maneuver. Remember, hesitation and reflection before action spell disaster!
4. Share a Stiff Drink
Now that you have properly established dominance you and the bear must share a drink to cement the relationship. I recommend always packing in at least two bottles of Mackinlay’s Shackleton Rare Old Highland Malt for just such occasions.
5. Part as Friends
Now that you are the clear hierarchical leader you may drop your guard and allow a genuine moment of friendship to occur. You part ways knowing that you have won the respect of this bear. Congratulations, you are one step closer to fulfilling your destiny and conquering nature!
* In the diagram a common step ladder is shown. It is just one of several possible A.D.A. approved adaptive technologies that might prove useful in this task. Depending on the nature of your disability you may wish to try a variety of other adaptations before choosing a favorite. A few options are an all terrain vehicle with a cherry picker attached, or perhaps a ramp of some kind. The possibilities are endless.
If you have specific questions about wilderness survival that you would like answered in this series you may either leave a request in the comments section below or contact us here: Email the Bionic Tumbleweed just be sure to include ‘Wilderness Survival’ in your subject line.